Comic voice bubble in which is said Peter Parker Cannot Be Black!Narrator’s voice to be heard as in the style of an old timey radio narrator…

LYRICAL CHORUS: O-l-d T-i-m-e-y R-a-d-i-o!!!

NARRATOR: We bring you back to the amazing adventures of The Amazing Whitey Spidey Man! The scene opens when another Dick Driver, a black teen wearing a Dr. Who t-shirt and sporting his beloved camera about his neck is about to be bitten by a radioactive spider…

WHITEYSPIDEY: Noooo! There cannot be a black Spideyman! I am the only person allowed to be named Dick Driver and have the same things happen to him! I’m the only true Spideyman! No one else must ever steal the screen from MEEE!

THE OTHER DICK DRIVER: Whoah! Whitey Spidey! …Why are you carrying an elephant gun!!??

STAGE SOUND: enormous explosion

STAGE SOUND: sickening wet sound of instantly shredding flesh

STAGE SOUND: sickening wet sound of a hunk of shredded flesh hitting the floor like a sack of shredded flesh

WHITEYSPIDEY: That was a close one. The white race is thus preserved. We can’t let negroes get mutated into spideymen. Then they’d be our equals! Whitey Spidey must stay white. It’s even in the name!

SOME WOMAN IN THE DISTANCE: What about a Spidey Woman?

STAGE SOUND: enormous explosion

STAGE SOUND: sickening wet sound of instantly shredding flesh

STAGE SOUND: sickening wet sound of a hunk of shredded flesh hitting the floor like a sack of shredded flesh

WHITEYSPIDEY: Man. It’s Whitey Spidey Man. Jesus. Why do you women and negroes want to ruin literally everything!?

NARRATOR: …the Amazing Whitey Spidey Man shouted to an empty room, the sound echoing futilely off steaming heaps of corpseflesh. Whitey Spidey promptly picks up his Bible and shoulders his gun and continues on his amazing adventures, assured that he will never fall into any alternative universe in which he is born and raised black. But not too long after murdering a lady and a negro, Whitey Spidey is accidentally sucked into an alternative universe in which all men are badgers and all bachelors are married.

STAGE SOUND: door slam

MISSES WHITEYSPIDEY: Did you do the dishes?

WHITEYSPIDEY: Oh, come on! Come on! I’m the Amazing Whitey Spidey! I fight crime and stuff.

MISSES WHITEYSPIDEY: And I work all day and pay for your stupid spidey costume to get cleaned and mended constantly. The least you could do is some chores around the house!

WHITEYSPIDEY: I hate you. All you women are so demanding and mean.

MISSES WHITEYSPIDEY: That’s it. I want a divorce.

WHITEYSPIDEY: Ha! You can’t divorce me! In this universe everyone can only always be married! A divorce would just remarry us!

MISSES WHITEYSPIDEY: Damnit. I hate this universe.

NARRATOR: Misses Whitey Spidey suddenly acquires a look of having ingeniously solved a vexatious problem.

MISSES WHITEYSPIDEY: You knowww… I’m just gonna have to create my own universe and go live there.

NARRATOR: Whitey Spidey began to sweat great drops of fearful blood at hearing her words. For he knew she was an astrophysicist. So she might actually be able to create a new universe and go live there. Then who would do the dishes? And alas, such it was. Miss Whitey Spidey promptly created a new universe from her well-funded Manhattan laboratory, a new universe in which all men were nice. And she left Whitey Spidey to settle in the fruit of her labors. The laws of Whitey Spidey’s universe promptly spontaneously generated a new wife for him by quantum mechanical principles upon Miss Whitey Spidey’s existential exit, thus preserving the laws of that strange world. But alas, Whitey Spidey was still a badger. Subsequently, Miss Whitey Spidey, whose name was Mona Masters, then entered the halls of Whitey Spidey’s greatest villains, indeed she became his worst nemesis yet…an intelligent woman of means. Can he thwart her devices? Tune in next time to follow the amazing story of The Amazing Whitey Spidey Man!

LYRICAL CHORUS: O-l-d T-i-m-e-y R-a-d-i-o!!!

-:-

N.B. Though Stan Lee says Spiderman (or at least Peter Parker’s Spiderman) in cinema must remain white (for some reason, insert handwaving here), he must have forgotten, there actually already is a black spiderman. You knowww…perhaps we could have a blockbuster movie about him?

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